Ahem. Now that you've taken care of those pesky kids, we can move on to the real reason you can't get any further: you just plain suck. Well, believe it or not there is a cure. No, I'm not going to try and sell you some miracle cream or a pill I've engineered out of sugar and corn starch - I'll leave that job to the horde's of uneducated immigrant workers. All you need to do is practice. Practice longer, and harder than ever before. Practice until your fingers develop blisters, and then become calloused. Yes, with those delicate digits sufficiently toughened, you'll be playing hardball with the best of them. Just don't let those rug-rats of yours get a hold of your system, and don't let them watch you play. Kids have a weird genetic disease which make them instantly better than you are at the best of times. Those kids can be incredibly cruel. Your wife calls it honesty, but what the heck does she know? She hasn't even heard of the SuperGrafx system, and you've owned it for months!

So, why are you watching television when you could be practicing? Why are you washing your car when you could be button mashing your way to victory? Why are you cooking dinner or asking your wife how her day went when you could be attaining the most sought after title in video game history?

Just let me know how the divorce goes, eh? And please, no more profanity.